Category: Relationstuff (Page 1 of 4)

Holiday Pressure for Commitment

I am 50 my boyfriend is 48. We have been dating 14 months, very involved in each other’s families especially the children. It appeared as though we were moving in the direction of marriage, although I never brought it up. He was very committed to our relationship, including me in every aspect of his life. He is a wonderful professional man, spiritual, and very family oriented. He has spoken often about our future together, his dreams and expectations, and wants to one day get married. I thought he meant me.

We worked very hard with preparations for his entire family (14 people) to stay at my house for thanksgiving holidays. It was wonderful but stressful. After all had left he began to pull back. I asked him where this relationship was going. He seemed a bit irritable with the question and says he doesn’t know if he can love me the way I need him to. He says needs a break, and I was hurt but willing to give this to him. Since then he still contacts me, spent Christmas with my kids and me and gave us all very generous gifts. He is seeing a counselor, has cried and says he doesn’t know what’s wrong, cant imagine not having me in his life.

He realizes he is depressed and has left for Texas to be with his family. He is very family oriented. I love him and want the best for him…He is worth waiting for and although it’s hurting I want to wait. Is he just afraid to take this step? Does he need this time for reflection before taking the plunge? He is sad and seems afraid. Can you tell me what does this mean? Please help with some insight.

Thank you…


A lot of relationships can be tested on vacations.

Hello Susan!

First, I NEVER recommend that anyone make life-changing (or enhancing) decisions during the holidays! Things are just too stressful and the pressure to “do the right thing” is awesome. Yet, few people take this advice, and do just what you did; start trying to get some commitment from their partners during this confusing time – knowing deep down that this confusion exists – and that you may get him to commit beyond what you might otherwise.

Did you sense some anger from him when you asked? Probably (and rightfully) so! While most men can’t express this verbally, they intuitively recognize the pressure asserted due to the expectations the holidays bring. Along with the tensions created by the season including family, friends, parties, getting just the right gift, etc., etc., he now has to deal with his future with you! That’s a lot to heap on all at one time.

My suggestion is to give him (and yourself) a couple of weeks into the new year to let things settle down. At least by the end of January you both should have clearer visions of what you want. That would be a good time to start looking to the future.

Let me add this however: marriage is only one “format” for relationships! There is a natural tendency, (particularly on the part of women) to see everything progressing toward marriage. However, as I tell people all the time, there aren’t too many divorces, there are too many marriages!

If your relationship is otherwise good, (or even great), what do you hope to gain specifically from a marriage that you don’t already have? Marriages don’t necessarily make relationships better, and often do just the opposite.

My Unfaithful Girlfriend

I was reading an article of a person you helped and wanted to ask you a question. My relationship with my girlfriend started about 9 month’s ago, at the beginning she liked my look, and asked for a friend to meet me. About a week later we met and got to know each other and finally started dating. As time passed, we started to get to know each other very well until one time she comes to me and says “we need to talk” I knew at that point that it was going to be about something serious so we went to the college lounge. She told me about her past, and I was really shocked by it! She said that when she was about 14 years old, she was molested, and as a result became very promiscuous. She told me that when she turned 18 and finished school she started working and studying in a different college. Since living in both environments allowed her to met a lot of people and started dating some of them and having one night stands with others, the number of people she had sex with different partners was about 32 guys in one year! I was so shocked about it that I told her I would need some time to reevaluate our relationship. Time passed and I kept thinking about what happened between us, I really liked this girl and she really liked me. For her to tell me those things I believed it was a sign of her trusting me, and at the same time I though that maybe some people just deserved a second chance. So I went to her place and told her that I could deal with her past. Our relationship was amazing that we even became best friends. We got to know each other so well, that eventually both of us fell in love. I even met her parents and they loved me. So at the end of the school year for the summer I went away from the US and she stayed with her parents for about 3 months. We kept our relationship alive by keeping in touch with each other through emails and letters.

When we finally got back together in August I saw her and things were not the same, I expected it might be since time and distance often change people. However we kept our promise on being together so we continued the relationship and it was still good, a little different but good since we were still in love. About a month later one of my close friends comes to me and tells me that he has terrible news for me, he said that he overheard her roommates criticizing her for cheating one me. I could not believe this! I couldn’t believe that the person I loved would do that to me, so I went to her room and asked her if it was true. She told me it was true but she still loved me. She cheated on me twice, the first time was after visiting her parents (after falling in love), she said she did it with her ex-boyfriend she told me that she didn’t want to do it, however her ex pushed her so finally she gave in and had sex with him. The other time she did it in her apartment lounge with a stranger she met that night thanks to her roommates. She did it in the lounge while her roommates were in the room, so obviously they found out and that is how I found out. I was so upset, confused and sad about it that I didn’t know what to do. 4 days passed and I asked her to come to my room to discuss what happened. I asked her why she cheated on me and she said that she doesn’t know. I asked her if she loves me and she said yes. So I was so confused that I told her to prove her love to me. I asked her to call her mom at midnight in front of me and tell her with how many guys she had slept. She did it, and I realized that she did love me so I accepted her back. She even said that out of all the men she’d been with, I was the only one she was going to marry and have children with because I accepted her based on what she is and I accepted her past. Even so, I somehow stopped trusting her.

In the beginning of our relationship she was constantly trying to please me, trying to earn my trust and she did. Afterwards she started to change a little bit, we were still talking and everything but I noticed she seems more distant from me. After about a month, she came to me and said that she wanted to end the relationship. Right now she is going out once a week with her ex-boyfriend (the guy slept with while I was out of the country). It really hurts and I don’t know what to do, some of my friends say to me that I should move on while others say to me that maybe she just needs some time away because she doesn’t want to hurt me again. I really need some help since this girl is completely different from any others I have dated because of her past. I am still in love with this girl!


My brother, what the hell are you thinking? How low is your self-esteem to put up with this bullshit? Since I’m not there, would you do me a favor and get one of your buddies to slap the hell out of you for me? There is nothing wrong with a woman having a lot of lovers in her past.

That isn’t an issue here. What ARE issues include:
1) She cheated on you, not once, but twice in a short time and you took her back
2) She cheated on you with an ex-boyfriend, which means she still kept in touch with them;
3) She’s dumped you for this guy (also a jackass for taking her back);
4) You still want to be her friend; and,
5) You would even consider getting back with this woman.

This is possibly a sign of a severe mental illness, and you might seriously want to consult a professional for some perspective. What could possibly be going through your mind to think that you would ever get back with her under any circumstance? Just because the sex was great? Of course it was – look at how much experience she has!

Further, that excuse about being molested as a child is just that – an excuse! She’s an adult now, and needs to deal with it. You are neither responsible for it, nor are you able to help her – SHE has to do that. It is only an excuse she uses on gullible guys (like you), to explain her unacceptable past. DO NOT buy into it. My brother, get your head back on straight. You don’t want this girl in your life. She’s only going to continue to take advantage of your trust and belief in her and you’re going to continue to get kicked in the head over and over again. MOVE ON! DO NOT call this girl, write to her, accept her calls or letters or email. DO NOT run into her, talk to her or have any further contact with her. I’d strongly urge you to get and read, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World” to really learn what’s going on here. If you don’t get this problem solved for yourself, you’re just going to go through life repeating it over and over again. You deserve better than this.

How Do I Get Him To Marry Me?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We recently ran into a major issue: his fear of commitment, and my wanting one. Recently, he decided that he wanted a break. At first he said that he didn’t think that we should date anymore but he wanted to remain best friends, then after a week and half, he called me telling me that he is scared of losing me, and feared that if he didn’t get back together with me that he would. I told him that was not the case, that I would always be a part of his life because I love and respect as a person and would love to have him there as my friend. It wasn’t too long after that, about a week, that we were together again, and everything felt wonderful. Soon after, about 3 days later, he and I had a discussion that made me upset, and with that he had said that he felt like were going in circles, and so decided that we needed a break again. I had agreed, and told him that we had rushed into things, and that we needed time to figure ourselves out. My boyfriend’s confusion lies in the fact that he has admitted that he doesn’t know who he is. He says that he doesn’t want to hurt me, and the he wants to make sure that I’m the one for him. We are “exclusive”, meaning that he and I are not sexually with anyone else. For right now he says that we are together but at the same time there is no “commitment”, meaning that there is no guarantee of wedding bells. He says that he wants to make sure that I’m the one for him, and so he wants to take things slowly. He also says that he doesn’t want to string me along and mess with my head – he is just taking his time to make sure that he wants to put that ring on my finger. I am being as supportive as I can be, and trying to understand what he wants and what he is doing. I can’t really explain the depth of my relationship in words. It surpasses anything that I have ever known or felt with anyone else. We have been so deeply in love and just as we are about to make that full commitment, he distanced himself fearing that he could be making a mistake. He wants to make things work, which is why he has not completely left me. My question then is, how do you reassure someone, or help someone see that commitment is not as scary as it seems? What is it that I can do to help him see that committing to me means a lifetime of love and support? I don’t know what else to do.


Hello! Let’s begin by me asking you a question: what’s so important about being married? It appears that you have everything you really want in a partner. You have an amazingly deep emotional relationship, you have love, you have a best friend, you have someone that is always there beside you and that has committed in every other way – other than marriage. What are you really missing? I tell women this all the time: if you’re goal is to be married, don’t wait for your boyfriend – I’ll bet you could find someone this next weekend that would marry you! Just go out and ask a bunch of guys – one of them will say “yes”. However, if your goal is to have a great relationship, don’t focus on the “format” – focus on the quality! Believe me, marriage rarely makes a relationship better – and in fact, it often hurts it. It’s far better to have a terrific, fulfilling relationship, than a bad marriage. Now, let’s take a look at how marriage is different for men and women. This should help you to understand why your boyfriend is reluctant to be married. To women, marriage means security, family, future, enhanced social standing, and many other things. Little girls are sold on the image of the huge “white wedding” where she is the star and focus of the entire show. She gets gifts, has parties, gets all of her friends and loved ones together to celebrate her special day. Sounds pretty good! To men, marriage means responsibility, a loss of freedom, a “working future”, (one where he has to remain employed to support the family), a loss of choice, (he now has someone else he has to consult to make decisions), and many other things that “take away from” a lifestyle rather than adding to it. The trade off is supposed to be a regular sexual partner, but frankly, sex is the most common aspect of a relationship to suffer in a marriage! When you look at things from this perspective, it doesn’t seem so wonderful does it? Can you understand now why your boyfriend is afraid of getting engaged? So, you have a couple of choices:

1) Go find someone that shares your goals and will marry you;
2) “Force” your boyfriend to marry you, or lose you forever;
3) Focus on the quality of the relationship you have now, and see if; as his love for you grows, he comes to the conclusion that he wants to be with you the rest of his life.

If you chose #3; I’d suggest that you make one other decision. Decide if you can live without being married. If you can’t, then decide how long you’re willing to wait without being married. You don’t have to share this with your boyfriend either! Let’s say you decide to see what happens in 5 years, and if by that time he still feels the same way, you want to move on and find someone that shares your goals. On the other hand, perhaps you’ll change your mind! One last thing: if you both agree that children are part of your future, I urge you to also agree that you’ll only bring children into a married relationship! Your kids deserve this, and having kids isn’t about you any more – it’s entirely about what’s best for them.

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