Masculinity

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How Do I Get Him To Marry Me?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We recently ran into a major issue: his fear of commitment, and my wanting one. Recently, he decided that he wanted a break. At first he said that he didn’t think that we should date anymore but he wanted to remain best friends, then after a week and half, he called me telling me that he is scared of losing me, and feared that if he didn’t get back together with me that he would. I told him that was not the case, that I would always be a part of his life because I love and respect as a person and would love to have him there as my friend. It wasn’t too long after that, about a week, that we were together again, and everything felt wonderful. Soon after, about 3 days later, he and I had a discussion that made me upset, and with that he had said that he felt like were going in circles, and so decided that we needed a break again. I had agreed, and told him that we had rushed into things, and that we needed time to figure ourselves out. My boyfriend’s confusion lies in the fact that he has admitted that he doesn’t know who he is. He says that he doesn’t want to hurt me, and the he wants to make sure that I’m the one for him. We are “exclusive”, meaning that he and I are not sexually with anyone else. For right now he says that we are together but at the same time there is no “commitment”, meaning that there is no guarantee of wedding bells. He says that he wants to make sure that I’m the one for him, and so he wants to take things slowly. He also says that he doesn’t want to string me along and mess with my head – he is just taking his time to make sure that he wants to put that ring on my finger. I am being as supportive as I can be, and trying to understand what he wants and what he is doing. I can’t really explain the depth of my relationship in words. It surpasses anything that I have ever known or felt with anyone else. We have been so deeply in love and just as we are about to make that full commitment, he distanced himself fearing that he could be making a mistake. He wants to make things work, which is why he has not completely left me. My question then is, how do you reassure someone, or help someone see that commitment is not as scary as it seems? What is it that I can do to help him see that committing to me means a lifetime of love and support? I don’t know what else to do.

Marriage

Hello! Let’s begin by me asking you a question: what’s so important about being married? It appears that you have everything you really want in a partner. You have an amazingly deep emotional relationship, you have love, you have a best friend, you have someone that is always there beside you and that has committed in every other way – other than marriage. What are you really missing? I tell women this all the time: if you’re goal is to be married, don’t wait for your boyfriend – I’ll bet you could find someone this next weekend that would marry you! Just go out and ask a bunch of guys – one of them will say “yes”. However, if your goal is to have a great relationship, don’t focus on the “format” – focus on the quality! Believe me, marriage rarely makes a relationship better – and in fact, it often hurts it. It’s far better to have a terrific, fulfilling relationship, than a bad marriage. Now, let’s take a look at how marriage is different for men and women. This should help you to understand why your boyfriend is reluctant to be married. To women, marriage means security, family, future, enhanced social standing, and many other things. Little girls are sold on the image of the huge “white wedding” where she is the star and focus of the entire show. She gets gifts, has parties, gets all of her friends and loved ones together to celebrate her special day. Sounds pretty good! To men, marriage means responsibility, a loss of freedom, a “working future”, (one where he has to remain employed to support the family), a loss of choice, (he now has someone else he has to consult to make decisions), and many other things that “take away from” a lifestyle rather than adding to it. The trade off is supposed to be a regular sexual partner, but frankly, sex is the most common aspect of a relationship to suffer in a marriage! When you look at things from this perspective, it doesn’t seem so wonderful does it? Can you understand now why your boyfriend is afraid of getting engaged? So, you have a couple of choices:

1) Go find someone that shares your goals and will marry you;
2) “Force” your boyfriend to marry you, or lose you forever;
3) Focus on the quality of the relationship you have now, and see if; as his love for you grows, he comes to the conclusion that he wants to be with you the rest of his life.

If you chose #3; I’d suggest that you make one other decision. Decide if you can live without being married. If you can’t, then decide how long you’re willing to wait without being married. You don’t have to share this with your boyfriend either! Let’s say you decide to see what happens in 5 years, and if by that time he still feels the same way, you want to move on and find someone that shares your goals. On the other hand, perhaps you’ll change your mind! One last thing: if you both agree that children are part of your future, I urge you to also agree that you’ll only bring children into a married relationship! Your kids deserve this, and having kids isn’t about you any more – it’s entirely about what’s best for them.

Creating A Void To Be Filled

I have a huge problem with my girlfriend. I really like her, but I don’t feel love. I am afraid that, at age 25 I will never be in love again unless I break up with her.

I don’t enjoy sex with her – I’m always thinking that, “Oh, God I have to have sex with her tonight!” I feel sexual desire towards other women, but not with her. We have sex once a week. Further, she doesn’t shave, and I just can’t seem to get myself to talk to her about it.
The other issue is concerning partying. I don’t like going out with her to parties. I enjoy the evening with my friends, but when she is with me I feel stressed, and I can’t be myself. This is terrible. And we (or rather I) don’t talk about it.

I need some help!

Let’s see here: you don’t enjoy sex with her, you’re afraid to talk to her about things you want (like her shaving), you don’t like to be seen with her at parties – what the hell are you doing with her in the first place???

Many times, we want something new in our lives, but we’re afraid of losing something we currently have; “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” as the saying goes. Let me tell you a little secret of life and love: the “Law of Vacuum”.

There are many “natural laws” in the universe. Gravity is one of them. You can stand on a roof and proclaim that you don’t believe in gravity; but, as soon as you step off, you’re going to get a healthy dose of it! Like gravity, the sun will rise tomorrow, you’re going to get another paper-cut someday, and someone will release another gawd-awful Robin Williams movie – all whether you like it or not.

One more of these “Immutable Laws of the Universe” is the “Law of Vacuum” which states, “Nature abhors a vacuum; and, if possible, will fill it.” What does this mean? It means that nature has a way of filling its voids. Whenever nature detects a vacuum, it attempts to fill it with something. However, if no vacuum exists, no filling is needed and therefore nature goes off to perform some other task like cleaning out a trailor-park with a tornado.

Take a look at your closet. Do you have clothes you haven’t worn for over a year? Get rid of them! Give them away to charity or simply toss them. What about your garage? Is it full of things you don’t need? Dump them! How about your personal growth? Does it look more like a 3-day old beard? You’re probably filling it with television, rather than making it open and available to be filled with other, more worthwhile things. In short, get rid of the dead wood!

At first, this seems extreme, but instead you’re just making use of nature’s law of vacuum. You closet will be magically filled with new clothes once the old things are gone, your garage will not stay empty long, and your personal growth will start again once the TV is off. Do you doubt this? Then, I ask you to think of the last time you cleaned house – where you threw everything away. Is your house barren today? I doubt it.

You probably have more things now than you did before the house cleaning! This is the Law of Vacuum at work.

So, what about your girlfriend? Let’s face it, you probably want someone you can enjoy sex with, take to parties, etc., Why not just set her free? Don’t worry about love. Once you make room for it, and focus on it as a goal, nature will go about filling that void for you. If you need some help on breaking up, check this link to a recent article I wrote that may help: www.remingtonpublications.com/breaking_up.htm.

Once you create a vacuum, you then have to make use of another of nature’s immutable laws: the “Law of Asking”. Here’s how this works:

“Ask and Thou Shalt Receive” (I think I read that in a book somewhere). What that book didn’t say is, (but was implied) is “Ask intelligently!” That is, you need a clear and concise picture in your mind of what you want before you try to go after it. As I discuss in my book, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World”, you’ve got to get an absolute picture of what your life will be like when you’ve found the girl of your dreams. You need to describe who she is in every detail. Be specific and spend some time here. You don’t want to use the Law of Asking to fill your love-void with someone like the girl you have now – that would be unpleasant! You might want to pick up a copy of the book and commit it to memory. It will lead you right through the process of creating your “love plan”, and putting that plan into action.

Go forth, my brother – make use of nature’s immutable laws to fill your life with the love you need, and let me know how things turn out.
Good luck, much love…

Dating Two (or More) Women At The Same Time

With all the hassles, why would someone want to date more than one woman? Frankly, there are as many answers to this question as there are men! However, some very good reasons are as follows:

  • Women are picky – by dating more than one you increase your odds of finding and keeping one that you’ll be with for a long time.
    Women are competitive – Think your buddies are competitive? Try being with more than one woman!
  • Women love a challenge – The bigger challenge they perceive you to be, the harder they’ll work for your exclusive attention.
    There is no “perfect woman” – each woman offers a unique set of benefits and problems. You may find that by dating more than one at a time, you’ll get a good mix of the benefits.
  • You’ll get to know just what you do, and don’t want in a woman – Especially if your dating experience is limited, having more than one gives you a better understanding of what you want – and need!
  • You always have a “back-up” – As you get to know a woman, you’re going to get “tested” (see: www.remingtonpublications.com/the_test1.htm for specifics). It’s good to have a back-up or two so you don’t have to throw away those expensive theatre tickets!

You Better Get a Calendar!

Believe me, you’re going to need this handy tool. The format of the calendar doesn’t really matter, as long as you can keep track of which days you saw a woman, and what you did, and when you’re next available. You’re going to want to know when you’re free in the future (to schedule dates), and to review what you did with whom. Why do you want to know whom you did what with when? To cover you tracks! You don’t want to be having a romantic dinner with a woman only to blurt out, “Hey honey – remember that trip we took to San Diego?” only to find out it wasn’t her you went with!

A calendar also helps you organize your time. Let’s face it; free time is scarce for everyone these days. You want to make the best use of your time that you can. By scheduling your time, you can use more of it in ways you want – like meeting and wooing women! A calendar lets you visually structure your time. You know you need time for yourself, your work and your fun – work them in with your women. Even better, when possible (or desirable), bring along one of the ladies as a combination date/hobby time. Now that’s using your time effectively.

Loose Lips Sink Ships!

Just because you’re dating two or more women, doesn’t mean you should advertise it – unless of course, that works to your advantage! Believe me, women have an innate sense about these things, and will probably figure it out without you telling them. It is far better to have some mystery here rather than to have everything out in the open. This way, you are in better control. Further, because of women’s competitive nature, they’re going to try to get you to commit to only them – even if THEY don’t plan to see YOU in the long term! It’s a woman thing – go figure.

Woman will use subtle tactics to get you to drop the other women, such as saying “You know, I wouldn’t be sleeping with you if I knew you were with someone else!” Here, the assumption is, that if you answer this statement, you’re assuring her that you’re with her exclusively. She knows that you, being a man, are probably not well versed in using these “verbal puzzles” to your advantage, (and, you’re probably not!) You don’t want to outright lie to her – she’s going to catch you and hold you accountable for it! Instead, you’re going to re-direct the issue by saying something like, “Yes, honey, I know you feel that way because I understand you.” Then, drop the subject and move on. You are specifically not telling her what she wants to hear, but you are responding to her.

The second reason you shouldn’t feel compelled to “out” yourself, is you haven’t committed to anything in the first place. You didn’t promise her anything – did you? Men have a bad habit of promising the world to get sex – and women know it. Don’t do this! Don’t let her back you into a corner. To prevent her from doing this, you’re going to need to establish the rules up front. She is going to assume your monogamy far sooner than you will.

To set ground rules; let her know that you’re busy elsewhere. You don’t have to always jump to answer the phone when she calls, nor do you have to return her call the same day. Get actively involved in your friends, your work, your hobbies, etc. Then when you are with her, make it real, quality time – but don’t get locked into a schedule – being with her every Saturday night for example. Be sure to use that calendar we discussed earlier.

What’s Good For the Goose

By the way, it’s not reasonable for you to be out hunting, and for you to expect her to be home waiting for you! She may WANT an exclusive relationship with you, but unless you’re willing to give her that, you can’t reasonably expect it from her. That doesn’t mean that she won’t be monogamous however. This is for her to decide.

Be Careful!

You need to protect yourself. Just like you use condoms every time you have sex (you DO use condoms – right?), you need to protect yourself in other ways too. If she sense that you’re with someone else, she is going to just “stop by” to say hello, or call at inconvenient times. You may want to make it a habit of not answering your door unless you’re expecting someone. At least, don’t answer when “Ms. Stripper” is over having a drink!

Further, if she begins pressuring you to make a commitment, and you keep her going along without one, she may become angry – or worse, psycho! Be aware of your surroundings when you’re out to make sure she isn’t following you around. Watch out for her large family members too. It probably isn’t coincidence that you ran into her brother or her friend while you’re out to dinner with woman #2. Does this sound crazy? Maybe, but I’ve talked to too many men where it’s happened. Watch your back if you choose to date multiple women.

One more thing to watch when you’re dating more than one woman – your wallet! Dates are expensive anyway, often costing $100 or more. If you’re dating twice a week, this adds up pretty quickly. You may need to be more creative on how you spend your dating dollar. Memorable dates don’t have to result in a second mortgage – you just have to be a little creative.

Yes, there are many problems with dating two or more women at the same time, but if you use your head, watch your back (and your wallet), and do some creative planning, you could be in for the time of your life!

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